No Place for Grief? Understanding and Supporting Loss while in the Marching Arts
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we believe that a truly safe and inclusive marching arts community means taking the full humanity of our performers and staff seriously. Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, and yet in an activity rooted in a "tough it out" culture, it is one of the least talked about. From losing someone on the road to the disenfranchised grief of aging out, grief and loss shows up in this activity in more ways than most of us realize.
No one wants to think about death, especially in marching band. After all, for some, the marching arts are part of one big bubble, a way to get away from the real world for a little bit and do something we love. But as many marchers can tell you, the reality is
different. Life still happens when you’re away on a field trip to Disneyland or on tour for
the summer. And in life, there is always death, loss, and, most importantly, grief.
I remember when I marched drum corps, there were always stories and talk of what
happens if someone dies back home. How different families handled it, how some
people found out right away and others found out when they got home for the summer. As a younger performer, I had no idea what I would do…until a few years later, when I had to. In my final summer of drum corps, I lost my dog within the first week of spring training. No one really knew what to do. Some people responded with the classic “tough it out”, but others responded with grace and compassion. Some people wanted me to go home, that drum corps was “no place for grief,” but others fought to keep me there. The general consensus was that no one knew what to do.
But I’m not alone in this experience. The marching arts is no stranger to death and grief. For that matter, the marching arts is no stranger to all kinds of grief. We see
disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not publicly acknowledged, when corps fold, when we get cut, or when we age out. I felt disenfranchised grief when I lost my dog. Anticipatory grief, grief before a loss, can also be seen among our age outs, but also members who receive a contract but can no longer march.
The phenomenon we know as “post-tour depression” is actually a form of compounded grief. Post-tour depression, however, can also become a form of complicated grief, which can seriously affect our community members’ lives. For those of us who aged ourselves out of the activity or were unable to march our final season, there is a sense of ambiguous loss for what could have been and what we missed. And of course, when we lose members of our community unexpectedly or traumatically, some people may experience traumatic grief as a result.
Grief is inherent to our experiences as marching artists. As more and more ensembles
are starting to include mental health clinicians on their health and wellness staff, it
benefits us all as a community to know how to identify and support our community
members as they navigate grief and know when to ask for help. So…what do we do?
How to Help Someone Navigating Grief
It helps to remember “normal” grief is just that-normal. Grief affects people in many
ways: physically, spiritually, socially, emotionally, and cognitively, and that is still normal. Normal grief still involves trouble with sleeping and concentrating, trouble with decision- making, and little interest in food. That being said, all of those aspects clash a lot with the expectations of the marching arts. Grieving staff and members may benefit from looping in a member of the health and wellness staff for some support and if necessary, accommodations so they can continue their season, if they wish.
What If I Have to Tell Them?
When it comes to telling a community member about a loss (also known as disclosure), the key things to remember are to:
1. Tell them as soon as possible (try not to wait unless absolutely necessary or they ask you to, waiting makes it hurt worse later)
2. Make sure someone they trust and that cares about them is there for support
3. Give them a choice. If you have to tell them bad news from home, let them choose
where they want to hear it and who they want there with them, within what’s possible. Be honest with them and answer their questions, but do not overwhelm them with
details. Try to stick to the important details and what they need to do about it (if
anything).
What to Say:
Try to listen more to the grieving person and truly hear and acknowledge their
experience.Avoid judging them (don’t try to solve or correct their feelings unless they ask)
Allow them to express ALL of their emotions. Do not dismiss them by saying “don’t say that” or other variations; leave some space for them to feel and work
through their difficult emotions.Be patient and keep checking in over time. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, so it
will keep coming and going long after the initial loss.
Things To Avoid:
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Grief looks and feels different for everyone, and you and your grief experience will more than likely not be the same. Plus, this unintentionally comes off as dismissive of them and their unique relationship to the loss.“Don’t say that.” (about challenging emotions like guilt, anger, or self-blame)
Leave room for the people left behind to express their emotions so they can
process them rather than bottling it all up.A bunch of detailed questions about the death, especially right after.
This isn’t a Q&A session, especially not right after someone they love dies. Be considerate of what the grieving person is going through. They will share it with you if and when they feel comfortable to think and talk about that.Open-ended questions.
People who are grieving may be struggling with difficulty concentrating or thinking, and open-ended questions might be too much for them at that time. Be more specific. Instead of “How are you?”, go with “How are you right now?” and make sure you’re prepared to hear a real answer.
What You Can Do:
Listen without making it about you and your grief experiences.
Show up over time, not all at the beginning. Everyone is there for support right
after a loss, but few are there months later.Be comfortable with silence.
If you want to help, offer them options they can say “yes” or “no” to, instead of
making them ask for help. Don’t forget to follow through on your offer as well. Don’t take it personally if they say “no”.Keep inviting them to social events, but give them the option to not come.
If you’re not sure, ASK.
If a loss happens during the season, give the grieving person some time to collect
themselves before asking them how they would like to proceed (when possible). Always try to give them a choice in what comes next.
When to Reach Out for Help
First, if you or someone you care about is actively having thoughts of suicide, please
call your local crisis line for support. In the United States and Canada, 988 is the
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing grief that is affecting your ability to take care of yourself, causing intense guilt or self-blame, or making you isolate yourself from your friends and family, please reach out to a behavioral health provider for help. While it can be hard to overcome the hurdles to accessing behavioral health care, you are worth that care and support.
A Note For Educators
Children, adolescents, and young adults grieve differently based on their developmental needs. For example, an elementary school-aged child is more likely to act out grief in their activities and ask questions about death and grief as a way to understand and process the loss, while a teenager is more likely to reach out to their peers for support amidst a loss. Young adults struggle more with how the grief affects their responsibilities and may withdraw more from their social world as their grief takes on more physical manifestations, such as exhaustion and difficulty concentrating.
The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families, from Portland, Oregon, is an
incredible resource for anyone supporting a child, teenager, or young adult through
grief. They have been supporting grieving children, young adults, and families since
1982, and have published several resources, both about how to support someone who
is grieving and how to support yourself in the process. If you’re feeling lost in this space, they are an excellent guide through it all.
A Final Note
The marching arts world has historically been big about the “tough it out” mindset, which comes from our roots in the military. But when it comes down to it, the marching arts comes down to our trust in each other, to hit our dots, to have our backs if something goes wrong, to help us achieve everything we work so hard to build. If we can trust our teammates and staff with our grief, we can trust them with anything.
Varsha Gaddipati
MAASIN Disability Caucus Chair
Varsha Gaddipati (she/her) is a retired performer of 10 years, educator of 5 years, from Northern California. She has been a member of MAASIN since the fall of 2024, and she currently serves on the Research Committee and is the Disability Caucus chair. She is an M.Ed. student in Child Studies, studying pediatric healthcare and children’s arts and media at Vanderbilt University.